take a walk through my head

I’ve no idea why i’ve reduced to 56.4kg. My highest ever was 70. The usual peak was 68. 63 is when i start to bloat. 60 is when i am at my optimum, energetic and fit. I’ve lost 3.6kg for no reason, seriously no dieting plans in place. I only found out about it when i went for my clearance check up as the medic read aloud. I was surprised, wondering if the scale was off. I took out the scales at home and weighed myself and true enough the readings were 56 and the decimal lay somewhere between 56 and 57. Astonishing. I’ve no ambition to weigh lighter than 60 so that means i’m free to eat as i like this coming cinese new year!

I’ll probably need to do more exercises regularly because i still look like a sickly scarecrow. More badminton and swimming maybe. I probably weighed more in secondary school. How ironical?

My superior asked me to join the branch retreat on the 25th of feb, which is chronogically after my retirement from service. I’ve given my word but my parents told me not to go because of the liability that i might incur and the conflict of trust that might surface. It is afterall not appropriate for me to interject. I think i’ll have to explain truthfully when turning the offer down. Afterall, i’ve relented previously to many requests and i wouldn’t want to mix around the people i don’t like. It’s all so pretentious when dealing with a majority of them. Even though i get into petty bickerings with some, i find them more worthy of respect than those behind the pacifying laughters. And obviously the place is going to be infested with heightened occurences of ingenuine smiles. I would not want to be roped into the whirlwind of facades and let tongues wag. Besides, i wouldn’t want to be in the same group as AA boy (from the phone call massacre), whom my section is assigned to be with.

Now, the only problem is how to pull myself out of the initial promise? Sigh..

If the above title rings a bell because you are an avid reader of my blog, it’s because I have used the same title before in this entry – The Answer To Our life. Why the same title again? Lack of originality? In fact, the title is apt for today’s discussion here, hence it shouldn’t be tampered with, to retain the true value in the analysed thoughts.

Today, a bright and warm Monday, really sweltering to be exact, is my off day. As usual, I slept in and woke up to start off new goals and inject positivity to life as the week begins. Therefore, I ruffled around, had a meal, practised my online routine and decided to have a dip in the pool. It’s heartening to see improvements to my fitness, now I can do 15 laps in 30 mins. That’s a mean of 2 minutes per lap, not considering the fact that there are always rests in between each lap. My last sprint was barely 20 seconds from one end to another.

Here’s the main point in relation to the title. I always start to observe people and the nature while I take my rest and pant my way back to normality. These interludes become my pondering moments, times when I will question the oddities and derive the probable thesises behind the things that I note. For example, I would watch the gardener go about spraying and drowning loads of water on the plants. Then I start to watch his behaviour and see the sway in his hips as he go, one that suggests nonchalance or arrogance. This is when my thinking machine runs and I feed answers to myself – It can’t be that he can’t be bothered because he had spent a long time to water the plants. Why the arrogance then? Pacified with a stable job maybe? Proud to show off the fruits of his labour maybe? Earning a high enough income for a gardener maybe? The pool transforms into more than a venue for sports, but it also provides the perfect spot for me to observe like a hawk without appearing intrusive. Combined with the perfect weather and light breeze, it also allows me to think with a quiet and comfortable environment, to navigate my way through my thoughts. I enjoy wondering, going into a daydream like such in the pondering pool.

Today I had an interesting thought. I was looking at the security guard wandering around, pacing his slow rhythmic steps, peering into the aquarium, looking afar, shuffling up and and down the pebbled ground. I thought, “Isn’t such a life boring? Did he ever wondered if this is the goal in his life? Has he even fufilled his aims? Wouldn’t he wonder about his destiny in life, especially his meaning to existence?” This was when I had a momentary freeze in my thoughts and in retrospect, I thought about myself. What exactly are my reasons to existence then?

The reasons for mankinds existence is a highly debated topic, across many institutions, be it religions, evolution theorists and “big bang” supporters etc. We don’t have a perfect answer to our creation, so we attribute it to the most wholesome logical reason, the supernatural and higher beings’ will. It’s not up to me to decide the reasons, hence I do not dismiss any of the above possibilities. My two cents worth is that anything is possible. Just like how an atom used to be the basic matter of all organisms, then it gets overturned by discoveries of electrons, nucleons etc. It’s always a continual progress of discovery and we cannot assert the end to an understanding at any one time.

Nevertheless, we need a reason, don’t we? Everything has a solution to it. There are so many diseases in the world and we always manage to find a cure to it, with every discovery of a new use or a new substance. The periodic table has so many elements but there’s always a balance because one element can also neutralize the other. Even in the fictional movie ‘Aliens’, the protagonists discovered Selenium is a poison to Aliens, just like Arsenic is a poison to Earthlings. There seems to be boundless solutions to so many problems, so why not this eternally sacred question?

Then I thought, why does it have to be that we need a reason to exist? Must the predecessing reason define our ways to living and meaning to exist? Why must we restrict our minds to think in this sequence? It becomes taken for granted, and programmed into our minds. Hence, my own conclusion is that we actually exist to make the reason.

It might sound dreadfully cliche but I think we’ll truly find the reason to exist only when we have lived our time. At the end of our journey, we’ll look back on our lives, and review the things we have done. We will recall the meaningful changes we brought to the people around us, the useful contributions we have devoted to the others, the activism to protect the other living things, the significance we have made through our existence. It might not be a picture of rainbows and butterflies for some, if they choose to live their lives by terrorizing, by harming, to be wicked in summary, for their reason to exist is to be destructive. My reason to exist will be crystal clear to me just before I die. The reason is hence not a statement or definition that can be easily simplified. It’s one’s own life story.

It just doesn’t feel right. Back to camp, back to familiar ground but the people have changed, the environment is no longer how I know it to be. My mdm is not there to helm the daily functions, my two side kicks are either doing duty or I have no time to catch up with them. My understudy has come and been an addition that needs time to adapt to having around. My old friends have all went ORD and the last one bade his goodbyes while I was on MC. I feel odd, although I still have my friends’ newbies whom I am on good terms with to still continue the breakfast tradition with.

There are so many changes, and the sad notion is that I don’t have much time left to meet the people that I work with daily. It is weird to not be able to share my time while I’m still around with them. I have been spending lots of time with my understudy, while I rattle off impossible compulsory knowledge as much as I can. Even basic training gives 2 months. I have only 2 weeks to squeeze the bulk into the nonchalant brain of his. It’s hard work, showing, presenting, answering doubts which are a routine to me. It comes with experience, and tagging along comes speed and accuracy, which is not something I can ask for. My two sidekicks had a tough time handling him and truthfully, they gave up on my return because they can leave the vomitting blood part to me.

I can’t wait to leave too, so all these jumble of feelings – relaxed, sad, revered, old, boring etc can be absolved and probably only replaced by melancholy and some lingering uneasiness due to a break from the routine. I am effectively getting the feeling that I am just fufilling a part time job now, living my time out and anticipating the end. It’s so surreal.

Gone are the days when people look to celebrities and leaders for a role model. The new poser generation has established itself as the new trend to note. The people, us, living in this poser generation look upon ourselves as our own leaders. Call it independence or a new wave of confidence, people of all ages and from all social levels are beaming with so much self obsession that we are all starlets to ourselves.

The Poser Generation does not consist of only the teenagers. Contrary to the traditional trends where teenagers are usually the attention grabbers, people are happy and open to changing their lifestyles to suit the poser trend, be it moms or dads, even grandparents. The poser generation has itself to thank for the explosive growth. They don’t require recognition and assurance from others to sustain, but rather feed themselves with their huge egos.

The Poser Generation poses like models. Posers in so many ways attract attention. In the physical sense, Posers dress to the nines to display themselves as a center of attraction or for others to follow in awe. No longer is there a need to follow celebrity likings and fashion senses, Posers are themselves the trend setters and they are even louder in their styles. This is purposefully done to establish themselves instantaneously, in a bid to stand out from obscurity. There is a logical need to do so in order to drown out the rest of the Poser wannabes. They hence exhibit themselves in such a luminous manner that it becomes impossible to not notice.

Looking at the worldly trends, self designed Anime dressers are the major group of Posers anyone can take note of. The nonchalance towards judgements from the “tradition mindsets” defines their Poser sense. Who cares about the once famous Jennifer Aniston hairstyle or the widely known Macarena dance any more, everyone has become so set on their own creations that individuals are their own role models. Posers have their own craze, their own hairstyles, their own mix of flinging arms and beats, it’s their confidence that sells.

The Poser Generation also has its own developments in its culture. The societal behavioral patterns shift and the newly created vocabularies are popularized. The self inspired, self led notion has become so deeply rooted that people are constantly updating their progress and status for others to know. The flourish of social platforms like facebook and twitter facilitates the dissemination. Posers regularly and most importantly frequently update their random thoughts and happenings for others to note. This is where the egoistic self is very blatantly exhibited. It doesn’t matter if whatever one says makes sense, as long as it’s particular to oneself and spiced up with loads of “I don’t care” attitude. The status will succeed in gaining attention. You mark the number of comments as the quantitative gauge to your success in gaining attention. If one might note, Posers would immediately churn out new status updates when the former fails to garner any comments.

The various new forms of acronyms and words lately have rendered me clueless sometimes. Posers create their own talk and mannerism and use them accurately to the desired intentions. Yet, they expect others to readily understand the usage. They set the trends, they invent the words, the rest will gradually pick them up and use the words as they deem fit. I openly admit that I had to google a few “stunningly new words” from time to time because I had never heard of those words or that I barely could decipher some sense out of them. Take for example, what exactly is ZOMG? I really hate the acronym, even though I very much appreciate the sense in OMG. On further research then did I find out that it was just an alternative. Why create an alternative when the value of both acronyms are exactly the same? That’s what Posers do, they spice up their inventions, amass the confidence in people to actively put the word to use and at the end of the day it becomes official. The new craze lately is the excessive use of the word “awesome”. It’s not bordering on nonsense because it is an actual english word but it is starting to get on my nerve.

The Poser Generation itself exhibits a never before seen, ballooning pile of confidence and self guidance that just don’t seem to exude arrogance or senselessness. However, it does put greater focus on self obsession. It might not be a bad thing afterall since it harms no one, intrudes no beliefs and it does make everyone a wee bit happier to be a celebrity on their own.

Today I went for my 2nd wisdom teeth extraction. It was much more successful than the first, somehow the patient knows it. The skills, the calmness in the words, the drilling, the amount of time used etc tell so much. I have taken my painkillers promptly upon reaching home but still slightly disturbed by some aches. I received one type of painkiller, one type of swell reducer and one type of antibiotic. Contrary to my previous experience when I received 3 types of antibiotics, I believe I am getting the right stuff this time round.
11 Jan is such an interesting day. It marks so many occasions. My sister is returning to school. My friends (most of them) are returning to university. My understudy has come. I had my teeth extraction. My parents are busy as ever with new goods arriving. It also marks the countdown to ORD with only 1 month more.
Speaking of my understudy, I am rather eager to meet him. Based on prior timings, I believe he is a direct enlistee. It means that he must be really new, for today not only would be his working day, is also his first day in this wild, dual years. I didn’t plan to miss his first day but too bad, it coincides with my MC.
Anyway, why 1/8?
Well, I have 8 days before returning to camp and I thought I might as well make an anecdote of these days at home. It might be really boring so I am bending the rules and allowing misses out of the eight. We shall see just how many posts I can make out of boredom.
It was a rare coincidence at the dental clinic today because I met Zhijie there. Had a small chat and it just feels good to catch up with old friends. Although we were not even marginally close to being allies, we were still communicable friends. It probably has my PR skills to thank for.
I also doubt I will slim down as much as my previous op because I don’t feel the distaste to eat. I can feel the appetite, the yearning to eat. Previously I would rather sleep till death. Anyway, I have programs planned to fill up my time. I have my student’s homework to do, books to read, movies my friend burnt for me to enjoy, facebook to stone on, Avril Lavigne’s music to tune in to and some other unexpected stuff maybe.
Avril Lavigne’s Innocence has caught on to me. I didn’t know that the song existed until the Canon advertisement on TV. It is uniquely and identifiably Avril Lavigne. Same old, punky voice, also anguished and spiteful. Finally something that is reminiscent of her style from her first two albums.